The Guild Fanucci

Faheud’s Cookbook, Page 16
Fettuccine Alfredo
© 2004 George Reed

Ingredients to acquire:

• 1 box fettuccine pasta {1 or 2 pounds, depending on size of Viking horde you have to feed. Double that if squires are involved}
• 2 cloves garlic. I am intentionally not providing a translation for how much that would be in garlic powder. Garlic powder is not decadent and is to be avoided by anyone not running for congress.
• 6 tablespoons olive oil
• 2 tablespoons olive oil {Yes, I know I listed Olive oil twice. You will use it twice. Nyeah.
• 1 Big Honking Block of Parmesan cheese. This translates to roughly a pound or so.
• 1 pint heavy cream. No, you may +not+ substitute whole milk, two percent, or that atrocious white water they serve in many restaurants. This is not a dish for the lactose intolerant I am afraid. See my recipe for Brussels sprouts for an indication of what to do with lactose free milk in the kitchen. {involves an open back door and telling your child to go long}
• Really pulverized black pepper [1/4tsp]
• 1/8 tsp lemon juice. And yes, you can even use that horrible stuff in the bottle. This is to take the musky edge off the cheese as it goes into the sauce.
• 2 tablespoons flour.

Preparing the Pasta:

Secure a ~large~ cooking pot—you know, one big enough to hold your neighbor’s cat if it does not **Stop** digging up the flipping flower beds!!

Fill Pot ¾ with fresh water—yeah I know, like you’d use old water, but still…

Add 1 tsp salt. Some people think this is weird. Well, it works. Leave it out and prepare your acceptance speech for the Captain Bland Lifetime Achievement Award.

Bring to a rolling boil on high heat. If you cook the pasta below rolling boil, it makes the most amazing glue, which can hold cement blocks to the ceiling. It does **not** however make food anyone but White Castle would serve.

Add the pasta and 2 tablespoons olive oil to the water. Stir it to keep it from sticking together. In just a couple minutes it will move on its own and you can be about peeling garlic and getting ready with the press.

After 14-16 minutes, the fettuccine should be al dente. This means largely done, but not quite. If you wait until it’s totally done, you will be embracing the pathos of regret in short order.

Drain the pasta in a large colander. I say large, because I once watched with mixed amusement as a friend tried to drain 2 pounds of spaghetti pasta into a colander that could maybe support three grapes and an avocado. Not pleasant.

Rinse the pasta briefly with lukewarm water to remove excess starch and stop the cooking. Leave the pasta to its memories of better days in the old country and press on.

Take a large skillet and put the 6 tablespoons of Olive oil in. This is an estimate. Use your excellent judgment on how much to put in—your purpose is to press the garlic and sauté it into a nice light brown color. When the garlic is well sautéed you will wish to add 2 tablespoons of flour. Mix until there are no lumps. Add the lemon juice. If you get all happy with the lemon juice the sauce will curdle and Betty Crocker will asphalt your oven shut.

When the flour, garlic, oil mix is a bubbling paste, its time to add the cream. Stir constantly, to avoid sticking and scorching. There are worse things in this world than the smell of scorched cream, but all of them involve sheep, an old barn, and a hot glue gun.

When the cream mixture is steaming heavily, slowly add the finely grated Parmesan. A note here: You ~can~ get away with canned grated cheese, but it will probably be grainy and not blend all that well.

Slowly blend it all together, add the pulverized—to-dust pepper. Now as it heats up, you take the fettuccine and sauté it in the sauce. Once it’s all very hot through and through, you have a very creamy, very cheesy pasta dish that will keep them coming back for seconds.

This goes excellent with my Roman Roast recipe, or any meat dish for that matter.